Elementary Deductions from Zombies
For those of you wondering, this idea didn’t come from the shower. My morning bliss from which has sprung a wealth of ideas is currently divided among a larger population which leaves little time for me to do much other than lather, rinse, and repeat. Hence this topic:
Zombies. Love or hate ‘em, they are here to stay. I was at work (which has more zombies per capita than a George Romero film) when I began to think about these misunderstood reanimatia. I’d like to share with you my observations.
Zombies eat brains. This is fact. Those of you who have seen the first person accounts shown in “Dawn of the Dead” or any of a zillion other real-life incidents captured by documentary filmakers also know that zombies travel in packs. But has it every occurred to anyone why they only seek out living human brains? After all, the zombies are surrounded by other human brains in the heads of other zombies. Why do they need to be fresh and how can they tell a live human from a fellow zombie? After all, they don’t seem to be too bright.
We can deduce from the fact that zombies don’t eat each other that they must either have a way of telling themselves from living humans. At first I thought it might be some non-visual cues. The smell of decomposition might be one way, but I’ve smelled that on some of my roommates who did, to my relief, did not try to eat my brain. We have learned from “Shaun of the Dead” and “The Mummy” (yes the one with Brendan Frasier. I include it only because it supports “Shaun”) that impersonating a zombie can confuse them and they will ignore you. This is only temporary though; much like tapping randomly might sound like Morse code for a while, but will eventually be discovered to be gibberish. It is my belief that it is the odd, lopsided gait that gives a true zombie away. It may look like a haphazard walk, but it is a very precisely timed symphony that says “Hey, I’m one of you guys. Stay away from my brain.”
As for the brain eating, zombies may actually consume all sorts of different living tissue. The important factor is that this tissue is alive. Zombies no longer have the ability to regenerate tissue and so live tissue replaces that dead tissue in zombies. Although some zombies have tried tissue from other animals, it just doesn’t work like the real thing in much the same way we couldn’t get a blood transfusion from a cat. Besides, most living animals are much too smart than to board themselves up in a house with no hope of escape. They simply walk away. The brains, it turns out, provide zombies with one of the greatest sources of new nerve fibers and are also the tastiest.
Zombies are slow. Except in extreme cases where zombification occurs due to man-made circumstances instead of the occult or lunar phenomena, zombies move faster than mold (another frightening menace) but slower than most children learning to walk. Why are they so slow? Even the fastest Olympic runner, when turned into a zombie won’t move faster than that funny smelling guy in the park. This is by design. Zombies are actually a prototypical socialist society! (Oooooh, the cosmic satire) Because zombies are in various states of decay, the fastest bodies would always win and thereby always be renewing themselves (see the above paragraph) while the bodies in poorer condition would slowly decay. Think of it as a type of zombie Darwinism. This doesn’t happen though. Instead of moving at their truly capable speeds which would lead to inequality in zombiedom, zombies rely on their large numbers to surround and corner their prey. Their slow movement lulls humans into a false sense of confidence. Humans think they can simply run away when they get close, but the zombies use this lax approach to actually surround them, cutting them off from escape. Then the zombies slowly move in and devour their prey.
Zombies spawn more zombies by biting live humans. Although this has at times been attributed to a mysterious virus or some other form of blood born contagion, true zombies don’t infect others this way. Actually, the bites are rather incidental. Zombies actually suck out the souls of their victims. Since this occurs through the mouth, the bite is necessary. Without a soul, a person's life energy slowly drains out of them and, if they still have an intact brain, they become a zombie.
Zombies seem to be super strong. I’ve seen them break though walls with their bare hands. This, however, is a bit of an illusion. Zombies are actually no stronger than the body of their formerly living self. What makes them seem strong is a combination of factors. First, zombies don’t experience pain. The inhibitions we have don’t seem to bother zombies. Second, is that when a human activates a muscle, not all the muscle cells fire at once. If they did it would likely rip the muscle from the bone. Zombies, without the previously mentioned inhibitions and a seriously physically comprised corpse for a body fire as many cells as they can, giving them what seems to amazing strength. After such display, however, the zombie has to “walk it off” before they can use their full strength again (which is an important survival tip for anyone facing a zombie who has just broken through a wall). The final reason for their apparent super strength is a lesson we could stand to learn from them – single-minded resolution. Zombies will stand and beat a broken limb against a wall for hours. When it finally breaks through, it may seem like a feat of great strength, but in fact it was slow and steady work that crumbled the wall. Similar to our sayings “Slow and steady wins the race” and “Overnight success takes 10 years”, part of the zombie credo is “Even a bloody stump can get into Fort Knox.”
I hope this has been educational for you. The more we understand about zombies and their habits and lifestyle (well deathstyle anyways) the more prepared we will be the next time some local witch unleashes a horde or brain-chomping, leg-dragging undead your way. Good luck. And watch out for your coworkers trying to bite you…..
