The Forgiveness of the Mel

Mel Gibson the subject of many a personal rant.  His high profile fall from grace has been the stone on which haters and hero killers have been grinding the edge of their headsman's axes.  People are upset that he slurred the Jewish people.  Fact - he was drunk and if we start holding everyone to what they say when they're drunk, we are going to have a lot of people eating non-food items.  What nobody seems to be upset with is that he was driving!  A public menace!  But what are we worried about - a drunken insult?

But I digress.  Several celebrities have stepped up to bat for Mel.  The latest being Robert Downey, Jr. - a man whose descent into drugs cost him time in prison.  But we forgave him.  Maybe because he didn't have an ethnic high. In any case, he recently made a plea to a gathering of power players in Hollywood for forgiveness.  A rabbi from the Simon Wiesenthal Center responded that if Mel wants forgiveness he needs to ask for it himself.  Sounds common sensical, doesn't it?

But wait!  Lets talk about forgiveness.  This isn't something that the dear rabbi can give and it certainly isn't something one can demand.  Forgiveness comes from God.  Perhaps that is a crucial difference between the belief systems of the Jewish faith and Christianity.  "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."  Of course we've seen many Christians mess this one up as well.  I'm looking at you, Reverend Jackson.  I'm not sure where these people think they get their power to speak for God and their respective races/creeds/religions/sexual orientation/whatever.  They take offense at any perceived slight and hold the offender's public reputation hostage until they are placated.  For you and me that probably doesn't mean too much, but for Mel and other public figures, that could mean the end of their careers.  They are essentially blackballed from their professions.  Anybody remember Fatty Arbuckle?

But the purpose of forgiveness is for the forgiver as much as it is for the forgivee.  Not only does it qualify one for their own forgiveness, but it softens their hearts and cleanses them of hate.  And isn't getting rid of hate what this is all about?

My advice to the rabbi: publicly forgive Mel.  If he truly is an anti-semite (which I doubt), it will show the world who is the better man and Mel will deserve his shame.  If not, then he deserves the forgiveness that you think you can withhold.  Ultimately, however, it is God who will forgive.  I realize these are Christian tenets, but Gandhi, a Hindu, realized that an eye for eye makes the whole world blind.  (It was Gandhi, wasn't it?)  Let's heal the wounds that have plagued us for centuries, real or imaginary, and cross the divide.  Live and let live.  And let Mel be.  If we can forgive a wanted child rapist and give him an Oscar (I realize some, including the US government, have not forgiven Roman Polanski, but his victim has), why can't we forgive Mel?

Harry Skywalker

This is another previous work that was published briefly, but I like it so much that I just had to share it.  If you know your geek trivia, you will realize that the following is true.

 

For some time now the world has been enthralled with the delightful tales of J.K. Rowling and her adventures of Harry Potter.  And to be forthright, I have found myself wrapped up in their ingenuity, until I began thinking about it in the shower (where all good ideas come from), and suddenly realized that I’ve heard this story before…in a time long ago in a galaxy far, far away.  What follows is a comparison of Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter:

Harry Potter	Luke Skywalker
Syllables in name = 4	Syllables in name = 4
Name ends in “er”	Name ends in “er”
Hidden for safety with extended family	Hidden for safety with extended family
Extended family doesn’t want him to discover hidden powers.	Extended family doesn’t want him to discover hidden powers
Evil nemesis kills family.	Evil nemesis kills family (in one version of the story)
Mother gives life for child	Mother gives life for child (well, children)
Evil nemesis is once left near death.	Evil nemesis is once left near death.
Evil nemesis name begins with V = Voldemort (can I say that?)	Evil nemesis begins with V = Vader
Evil nemesis changed name	Evil nemesis changed name
Evil nemesis is master of “Dark Arts”	Evil nemesis is master of “Dark Side”
Fights with special implement that has connection to evil nemesis. (wand)	Fights with special implement that has connection to evil nemesis. (lightsaber)
Seeks training from old master (Dumbledore)	Seeks training from old master (Yoda)
Best friend = Ron	Best friend = Han
Is a flying ace with a broom.	Is a flying ace with an X-wing.
Is the subject of a prophecy.	Is the subject of a prophecy.

I’m sure I could go on, but do you really need more proof than this.  Lets face it…Harry Potter is Luke Skywalker.  "…and there is no new thing under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

Had a shocking realization that left a scar on your forehead?  Or took your hand off?  Tell me about it in the comments.

The Souper Salad Incident

Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to weep openly.

Today I took my sweetheart and my two little sweeties to Souper Salad.  It's kinda like Golden Corral -Lite.  All you can eat salad must have been the idea of an American with a guilty conscience about his/her caloric intake.  In any case, my sweetheart had never been there so I decided it would be a good opportunity to build her an "Ultimate Salad" (tm)*  She liked the place and for 6 bucks/person, it was a good deal.  But this isn't the cause for my aforementioned lament.

As we were eating, we were serenaded with light music from past decades.  My heart sank into deep despair when I realized the music was Led Zeppelin's "Black Dog".  Not some jazz/easy-listening/muzak version-the real thing.  I was still a babe when this was released, so it is technically old to me, but this is hard rockin' music.  I blared this music from my stereo in youthful defiance of convention as a young man in college when I had my musical awakening.  It's suggestive lyrics, electric guitars, and funky groove were a great companion to my days of wild abandon.  And to sit there chewing spinach leaves while it played unnoticed in the background broke my heart.  Was I in the wrong place?  Was the song in the wrong place?  This song would have probably caused a riot of complaints to the manager 20 years ago.  And now nobody even noticed it.

Nobody but me.  I don't weep for my lost youth.  We all pass through life at the same speed and I got the same time as everyone else to enjoy.  I spent it well.  I weep for everyone else who can't hear the music and feel the stirrings in them.  All those poor people in Souper Salad today were chewing their cuds, too busy to notice the rock anthem playing.  I hope I never lose that spark.

Maybe they were dead inside...

* Not really a Trademark.  Just my personal claim.  And if someone starts making money on the "Ultimate Salad", I want a piece of that action...

Life-Time

I’m a little bummed about life.  Life is great, don’t get me wrong.  But I’m bummed that I only get to do this once.  The Hindus believe that you get to go through life many times, each time improving your state until finally you reach perfection and no longer have to be reincarnated.  At least that is my understanding not being Hindu myself.  The problem is that you don’t remember what happened last time.  I don’t subscribe to that philosophy, but I wish I could go through life just one more time with what I know now.  I’m sure I would make some of the same mistakes, but it would be great to have a blank slate and avoid some of the same pitfalls.

And enjoy what I was too silly to enjoy last time.  Now that I know what it is like to be an adult, I want to truly enjoy my childhood and the innocent joys of being young.  I want to experience the thrills of having a fully functional body as a teenager.  I don’t think I ever pushed my limits and now that I have more and they seem to be closing in on me, I long for the days of not knowing my physical boundaries.  You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

It was great falling in love as a kid.  The delirious heights were wonderful.  The lows were a sweet melancholy which was easily filled with music. It would be great to have the energy and fun of being young with the perspective and restraint of years.  Impulsive mistakes would be curbed and a few wise words that cost a lifetime to learn would make the difference between a train wreck and a bruise.  Experience that cost me dearly but never had a practical application in my lifetime would finally be worth the price I paid to acquire it.

People are creatures of habit, however.  It is likely that once we start enjoying our youth again, we would make most of the same mistakes.  Or worse – some of the greatest joys in my life have come from the greatest pain.  I might mistakenly avoid the pain and deny myself the joy – for example: my children.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter.  The fact is that I don’t get a mulligan in life.  This is the only one.  I enjoy childhood through the fog of memory.  But I am blessed with children who are going through their first and only time and I enjoy it with them.  Hopefully they will listen to my wisdom when they need it unlike the wisdom I disregarded in my youth.  Sorry, Dad.  I understand now…..

Zombies

This is another repost of previous material.  I'm working on some new stuff, but I thought this would be fun.  It's a little tongue-in-cheek, but it made me chuckle writing it.

Elementary Deductions from Zombies

For those of you wondering, this idea didn’t come from the shower. My morning bliss from which has sprung a wealth of ideas is currently divided among a larger population which leaves little time for me to do much other than lather, rinse, and repeat. Hence this topic:

Zombies. Love or hate ‘em, they are here to stay. I was at work (which has more zombies per capita than a George Romero film) when I began to think about these misunderstood reanimatia. I’d like to share with you my observations.

Zombies eat brains. This is fact. Those of you who have seen the first person accounts shown in “Dawn of the Dead” or any of a zillion other real-life incidents captured by documentary filmakers also know that zombies travel in packs. But has it every occurred to anyone why they only seek out living human brains? After all, the zombies are surrounded by other human brains in the heads of other zombies. Why do they need to be fresh and how can they tell a live human from a fellow zombie? After all, they don’t seem to be too bright.

We can deduce from the fact that zombies don’t eat each other that they must either have a way of telling themselves from living humans. At first I thought it might be some non-visual cues. The smell of decomposition might be one way, but I’ve smelled that on some of my roommates who did, to my relief, did not try to eat my brain. We have learned from “Shaun of the Dead” and “The Mummy” (yes the one with Brendan Frasier. I include it only because it supports “Shaun”) that impersonating a zombie can confuse them and they will ignore you. This is only temporary though; much like tapping randomly might sound like Morse code for a while, but will eventually be discovered to be gibberish. It is my belief that it is the odd, lopsided gait that gives a true zombie away. It may look like a haphazard walk, but it is a very precisely timed symphony that says “Hey, I’m one of you guys. Stay away from my brain.”

As for the brain eating, zombies may actually consume all sorts of different living tissue. The important factor is that this tissue is alive. Zombies no longer have the ability to regenerate tissue and so live tissue replaces that dead tissue in zombies. Although some zombies have tried tissue from other animals, it just doesn’t work like the real thing in much the same way we couldn’t get a blood transfusion from a cat. Besides, most living animals are much too smart than to board themselves up in a house with no hope of escape. They simply walk away. The brains, it turns out, provide zombies with one of the greatest sources of new nerve fibers and are also the tastiest.

Zombies are slow. Except in extreme cases where zombification occurs due to man-made circumstances instead of the occult or lunar phenomena, zombies move faster than mold (another frightening menace) but slower than most children learning to walk. Why are they so slow? Even the fastest Olympic runner, when turned into a zombie won’t move faster than that funny smelling guy in the park. This is by design. Zombies are actually a prototypical socialist society! (Oooooh, the cosmic satire) Because zombies are in various states of decay, the fastest bodies would always win and thereby always be renewing themselves (see the above paragraph) while the bodies in poorer condition would slowly decay. Think of it as a type of zombie Darwinism. This doesn’t happen though. Instead of moving at their truly capable speeds which would lead to inequality in zombiedom, zombies rely on their large numbers to surround and corner their prey. Their slow movement lulls humans into a false sense of confidence. Humans think they can simply run away when they get close, but the zombies use this lax approach to actually surround them, cutting them off from escape. Then the zombies slowly move in and devour their prey.

Zombies spawn more zombies by biting live humans. Although this has at times been attributed to a mysterious virus or some other form of blood born contagion, true zombies don’t infect others this way. Actually, the bites are rather incidental. Zombies actually suck out the souls of their victims. Since this occurs through the mouth, the bite is necessary. Without a soul, a person's life energy slowly drains out of them and, if they still have an intact brain, they become a zombie.

Zombies seem to be super strong. I’ve seen them break though walls with their bare hands. This, however, is a bit of an illusion. Zombies are actually no stronger than the body of their formerly living self. What makes them seem strong is a combination of factors. First, zombies don’t experience pain. The inhibitions we have don’t seem to bother zombies. Second, is that when a human activates a muscle, not all the muscle cells fire at once. If they did it would likely rip the muscle from the bone. Zombies, without the previously mentioned inhibitions and a seriously physically comprised corpse for a body fire as many cells as they can, giving them what seems to amazing strength. After such display, however, the zombie has to “walk it off” before they can use their full strength again (which is an important survival tip for anyone facing a zombie who has just broken through a wall). The final reason for their apparent super strength is a lesson we could stand to learn from them – single-minded resolution. Zombies will stand and beat a broken limb against a wall for hours. When it finally breaks through, it may seem like a feat of great strength, but in fact it was slow and steady work that crumbled the wall. Similar to our sayings “Slow and steady wins the race” and “Overnight success takes 10 years”, part of the zombie credo is “Even a bloody stump can get into Fort Knox.”

I hope this has been educational for you. The more we understand about zombies and their habits and lifestyle (well deathstyle anyways) the more prepared we will be the next time some local witch unleashes a horde or brain-chomping, leg-dragging undead your way. Good luck. And watch out for your coworkers trying to bite you…..

Movies that need a remake

Every time I read that a movie is being remade, a little part of me dies.  Remakes, reboots, and re-envisioned movies abound and long have we lamented the bankruptcy of the Hollywood idea machine.  I have long posited that the reason movie critics are so enthusiastic about crappy, artsy movies is that at least they are different.  Spiderman was barely on basic cable when they decided it needed a reboot.  The last Batman hasn't even been made yet and already they are talking about rebooting.  Longtime readers (are there any?) that know of my appreciation for Christopher Nolan's work.  Do we need to bury it before it's even been born?  Especially when there are so many other movies that are just begging to be redone - ones that have greatness in them but were never realized for one reason or another.

So, Hollywood, if you're listening, here are some movies that are ripe for a remake:

1. Pete's Dragon.  I don't think Disney ever really retreads their movies.  They just produce mediocre straight-to-video sequels.  Pete's Dragon was limited by the technology of 1977, but I believe it could be redone so much better.  Perhaps even a sequel where Elliott helps some other child ala the rescuers.  We need to bring back Doc Terminus, however.  I'm sure Jim Dale would be happy to see his antic character reprised and I could think of no one better than Eric McCormack.  Whaddaya say, Disney?
2. Enemy Mine.  The effects look downright hokey by today's standard, but in this day of terrorist bad guys, wouldn't it be great to see enemies learning to understand each other and become friends.  Some slight tweaks to this one and it would be easy to update it for our day.  As it stands, you'd be lucky to find this one playing at 2AM on SyFy.  (If you're watching SyFy for SciFi movies, you need help.)
3. Ladyhawke.  I know that the original was quite a fun movie and it seems a Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeifer, and Matthew Broderick in his prime (which is pretty much anything before Godzilla).  The effects don't really need reworking, although some CG morphing back in 1985 would have been nice instead of the slight of hand they used.  The story was good and the action fun.  So why remake this gem?  Two reasons:  1.  Matthew Broderick - although I love his performance, a snarky American teen is quite out of place in this fantasy realm and even more important: 2. The Alan Parsons score.  Prog rock synthesizers are so out of place in this movie.  The may have seemed cool at the time, but today they sound more at home in Napoleon Dynamite - in a good way, sort of.  I know we could just replace the score and still have a great movie, but there are so many things we could explore with the dual nature of man and woman.  It's just begging to be remade.

Let's hear what movies you think need a remake.  I'll be adding to this post as more ideas come to me.

I remember when....

We're all prone to nostalgia.  It's an ailment common to the human condition.  Right about the time we hit 30 years old, something happens.  Music on the radio just isn't as fun anymore.  And you know you have a problem when all your favorite songs are on a "Classic Hits" station or worse yet - it is playing in the McDonald's lobby.  Not the watered down muzak version, but the original.  This was the music that we used to annoy our parents and it's playing in the background like Kenny G and Yanni.

I suppose it was inevitable.  It happened to our parents and it will probably happen to our children.  But that isn't what sparked my little rant.  I happened across a small collection of music videos from the '80's and watched a few, one of which was by Phil Collins who recently announced he was done with the music business and I can see why he'd want out.  25 years ago when videos were still in their adolescence, there was more humor and story to them.  Sometimes it was a bit absurdist, but they were generally enjoyable to watch.  That's probably why MTV could exist playing them...because people would watch them and be entertained for hours.  MTV, as many before have lamented, no longer plays music videos.  They have gone the way of the dodo.  Those that do exist are mostly just rock stars posing, lip syncing, and mooching for the camera.  There are some exceptions (Muse - Knights of Cydonia!), but for the most part music videos have lost their fearless style.

All that just to say I miss Phil Collins' impish grin.

If you have a favorite video (nostalgic or current), tell me about it in the comments.

(I don't know why I say this because nobody ever does...)